When Being Right Gets in the Way of Listening
Photo by Alex Green
With Thanksgiving and midterm elections coming up, I thought it’d be a great time to talk about everyone’s favorite topic—politics.
Truthfully, I’m more interested in discussing things that divide us and what to do about them, but I did notice something interesting recently in the political arena.
Eric Schmitt, a senator from Missouri, questioned former special counsel Jack Smith during a September 29 Senate Judiciary Committee hearing about Smith’s investigations of Donald Trump. Schmitt tried to link Smith to an Atlanta Hawks game and potentially to Georgia prosecutor Fani Willis. It appears that Smith had actually attended an Iowa Hawkeyes women’s basketball game in Maryland, not an Atlanta Hawks game as Senator Schmitt alleged.
This wasn’t the interesting thing.
What was notable was my reaction. I took great pleasure in how that backfired. I don’t know what Smith actually did, but it appears Schmitt made a pretty big mistake in his attempt to vilify Smith. His line of questioning struck me as a calculated and uncalled-for attempt to catch Smith out, so when it appeared to backfire, I relished the justice of it all. Regardless of which political party was involved, it felt to me like a nasty attempt at a gotcha. So when he got his facts mixed up, a big, petty smile took over my face. Fairness is one of my Core Values, but I had to wonder: Was I standing for fairness, or enjoying someone else being made wrong?
Really, though … I just don’t want to be that guy. In any situation, political or not, it’s a spiritually and energetically low position to take when I find joy in someone else’s mistake and pain, even if they had it coming.
Whatever your political leanings are, have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? Have you ever taken joy in the suffering of another? Is it wrong to do so?
Right and wrong aside, it doesn’t match my commitment to people. Here at Momentum, we are lucky enough to work with amazing human beings in many areas of the world, and I’m sure they have a variety of political views. I just found it alarming how my desire to be right and make someone else wrong was so strong. I’m not “shoulding” on myself, but I do try to hold myself to a higher standard … especially given the range of political views among the people I work with, love, and respect, AND ESPECIALLY given that people hire me to help them rise above it.
It was certainly a test, and I can’t say that I passed.
It did get my attention, though, and I’m viewing it differently today. I notice that it’s very easy to be generous with people I agree with. When our views are different, it becomes a challenge.
We have a distinction called Listening For. It’s about replacing judgment with curiosity so we can understand what matters to someone and contribute in a way that honors their experience. That doesn’t mean we have to agree with their conclusions or treat an inaccurate claim as true. These days, it’s become commonplace to label anything we disagree with as “fake news.” That would be Listening Against. The drive to be right can be strong, and I know how easily I slip into it.
That happens in political conversations, but it also happens in leadership meetings, disagreements with colleagues, and conversations with people we love. Someone says something we disagree with, and suddenly we’re preparing our response instead of hearing them out.
I love stirring the pot as much as the next guy, but it’s a lot more fun when it’s in the spirit of learning and connecting. My male friends and I sometimes show our love by giving each other a hard time. I love it because, when the trust is there, it gives us a chance to bring our foibles to the surface in an accountable but fun way.
Where do we go from here?
This topic is a struggle similar to those I write about often, with a predictable prescription:
Be excellent to one another.
Learn what’s going on across the political aisle.
If you’re a flat-earther, conspiracy theorist, or QAnon-er, see if you can get a Yellow Dog Democrat to feel heard.
The next time I feel that big, petty smile coming on, I want to start there.
I think someone, somewhere, once said to “love thine enemy.” He may have been on to something there we can learn from.
(Hey—I managed to slip in a little religion, too!)
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Fundamental of the Week #22: DEMONSTRATE URGENCY IN RESPONSE TIME AND FOLLOW-UP
Model enthusiasm in your response to issues and rigor in your follow-up. Keep people updated and ensure they are clear about your communications.
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