Lessons Through the Wall
Being human has its challenges.
Being human alongside another human for any length of time can make life that much more interesting.
Exciting news around here is that our youngest daughter, is getting married, and I recently shared with our future son-in-law that the secret to a successful marriage is simple: don’t leave.
(Stay there and fight. Just kidding.)
Love is beginning its next chapter.
As Craig and I get ready to celebrate 40 years of marriage on May 17, I’ve been thinking a lot about the moments that shaped us—especially the ones that taught us not to take ourselves too seriously. I keep coming back to one funny story from our early years together.
We were married in Austin in 1986 at the Barr Mansion. Within a couple of years, we made our way to California, living first in San Francisco and Sausalito, and later in Southern California, in a beautiful top-floor apartment building in Costa Mesa. Our unit was at the end of the hall, so we only shared one wall—the wall next to our guest room.
One night before bed, Craig and I were in a conversation that quickly devolved into an argument. Being of sound mind, Craig decided to remove himself from the conversation and headed into the guest room. I, however, was not quite ready to surrender so easily, so I followed him.
To this day, I have no idea what was so important that it justified continuing the argument. Whatever it was, I’m positive I believed I was right and he was wrong. It was clearly my duty to set him straight on this “fact.”
As the exchange continued, our voices got louder and louder. We talked over each other.
At some point, I screamed, “You are such an a**hole!”
He screamed back even louder, “You’re the a**hole!”
And then, through the wall, we heard: “You are both a**holes. Now go to bed!!!”
We froze. Then we looked at each other, stunned, eyes wide. And then we burst out laughing.
In that moment, we completely forgot what we had been fighting about.
We had not yet met our new neighbor, but the next morning, I slid a note under his door thanking him for saving our marriage and apologizing for our behavior.
That moment stayed with me, not just because it was funny, but because it reminded me how powerful perspective can be. Sometimes feedback arrives exactly when you need it, even through a shared wall.
Early in our marriage, we also intentionally surrounded ourselves with supportive people and committed ourselves to learning from others. For the first seven years of our marriage, we participated monthly in a Women’s and Men’s Club with Francine and Lew Epstein. They taught us how to listen with compassion and to trust that we were loved.
We learned to share openly. We practiced listening to each other’s stories with more compassion. The men found a safe space to be vulnerable with one another and eventually shared openly in the presence of the women, too.
WE LAUGHED, WE CRIED, AND WE OWNED UP TO OUR SH*T.
Now, nearly 40 years later, I’m still grateful for that fight and for our neighbor. Feedback can make all the difference. For me, it doesn’t get much better than being able to talk honestly about your own pitfalls. I believe that kind of honesty is the beginning of true accountability, and accountability can lead to genuine freedom in both our personal and professional relationships.
IF YOU’VE GOT AN EPIC “FIGHT STORY” THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH THESE DAYS, I’D LOVE TO HEAR IT.
Happy Spring,
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Fundamental of the Week #20: APPRECIATE AND ACKNOWLEDGE
Regularly let people know you appreciate their qualities. Being acknowledged for a task well done is important; being acknowledged for a character quality is lasting.
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