The Courage to Let Go of Being Right
Photo by Daniil Kondrashin
Have you ever struggled with a personal or work relationship because you—or the other person—held on to being right, even when doing so was unproductive? I sure have. And I know firsthand, in both my personal and professional life, how destructive this can be.
It's difficult for us to let go of being right because it feels like such an affront to our identity, and for us human beings, our identity feels like the key to our survival. This is a defense mechanism that goes back to our cavemen and cavewomen ancestors. We are conditioned to look for threats and to fight them off by any means. For our ancestors, that meant saber-toothed tigers and other predators. For us, those predators no longer exist, but an affront to our person or opinions often feels just as threatening. Because of this, it's incredibly difficult—sometimes even physically uncomfortable—to let go of being right. But the cost of not doing so is often huge.
I recently experienced this with my sister over something she said that I didn’t like. After several months of being distanced, I realized how sad I felt about it, and how ridiculous it was to stay apart. She’s my sister, and no argument or difference of opinion is more important than that. When I saw her during a ceremony to celebrate the anniversary of our mother’s passing, I made it a point to let go of my upset and all my opinions about how I was right and she was wrong. Instead, I focused on the love I had for her and the love we shared for our mom. That’s what mattered, not the difference of opinion.
I've seen this same dynamic play out in organizations, where relationships, trust, and collaboration are essential to success. I remember a construction project I consulted on where progress had halted due to differences between the project owner and the main contractor. Each party needed the other to succeed, but they were locked in a battle of wills, only able to see their own point of view. For months, the project struggled as both sides either avoided one another or engaged in outright arguments.
Finally, Taylor, one of the managers on the contractor side, recognized the destructiveness of the feud and decided to let go of being right. Up to that point, both teams had been caught in a classic fight, flight, or freeze response, that survival mechanism I mentioned earlier. They would either argue with each other (fight), avoid each other at all costs (flight), or disengage and ignore one another (freeze). It took a moment of real vulnerability from Taylor to shift the dynamic and create the space needed for everyone to acknowledge how unproductive their behavior had become. That opening allowed them to listen to one another and find common ground.
That common ground became a shared vision of a project they could all look back on with pride. One that met or exceeded production, quality, and delivery targets; where no one got hurt; and where everyone involved was enriched by the experience. Once they saw this was what they all truly wanted and recognized what was in the way, things began to change, and the project moved forward.
In personal and organizational transformation, we call our need to be right a "racket," much like the candy store fronts during Prohibition that hid a different kind of establishment. We run a racket when we have a persistent way of being (angry or upset) paired with consistent behavior (arguing or avoiding). We get a benefit from it: being right, making the other wrong, and controlling the situation. But the cost is huge. We pay with the things we truly want: pride, accomplishment, realization, and most importantly, our relationships.
As human beings, we all get stuck in our opinions and hold onto our truth, even when it costs us. But there is another choice. As uncomfortable as it may be, we can choose to let go and instead focus on what really matters: our relationships, our shared goals, our collective success. And when we find the courage to give up the need to be right, that’s when transformation becomes possible.
Fundamental of the Week #4: GIVE UP THE NEED TO BE RIGHT
Keep your ego, personal agenda, and judgments out of the way of doing what’s best for the team or client. Don’t let your need to “be right” interfere with hearing others and seeing other possibilities.
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