The People Who Change Your Life Are the Ones Who Truly Hear You
Photo by Fauxels
Think about the people who have made the biggest difference in your life. Not the ones who gave you the best advice. Not the ones who had all the answers. But the ones who really listened to you — the ones who created the kind of psychological safety that allowed you to open up and feel seen.
I remember one of them vividly. We'll call him Jay.
Here's what's interesting: I can't even remember what we talked about. But I remember exactly how he listened to me—like I was the most important person in the world and like what I was saying was pure gold.
Not because what I say is inherently golden, but because he listened with generosity, looking for that gold. This is what true leadership presence looks like.
I remember how it made me feel: heard, gotten, valued, appreciated. Honestly, it made me feel very good. It increased my respect and admiration for this leader, as well as my commitment to the company and whatever we were discussing at the time. This is the real foundation of organizational culture — people feeling that they matter.
The Mistake We All Make
Listening is one of those things we take for granted. Because of that, we tend to be terrible at it — even in leadership development programs, we often overlook listening as a core capability.
We make the mistake of thinking that listening is the same as hearing, but they aren’t. Hearing is a biological capacity with which we are born; some say we can hear even before birth in our mother's womb. And because we are born with this ability, we think we already have the skill of listening and pay little attention to the quality of our listening.
We couldn’t be more wrong.
Listening requires intentionality and attention. It also requires us to set aside our own internal chatter about whatever we've got going on or what we think about what the other person is saying.
Easier said than done!
As such, listening—real listening—is a skill. And like any skill, it needs to be worked on and developed, especially for anyone committed to team alignment or improving human and organizational performance (HOP).
My Own Journey With Listening
Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you I'm a great listener. Far from it.
To begin with, I have ADHD, so that doesn't make things any easier. Plus—and I'm laughing out loud while I write this—I'm self-involved.
But I will tell you I have gotten a lot better at it over the years. I know how important it is, I know how bad I am at it, and I have done a lot of work to get better.
Getting better at listening has made a huge difference: in my relationships, in my results, and in my overall experience of work and of life. Every time I practice it, I see its impact on workplace relationships and organizational culture.
Being a masterful listener is a lifelong skill, so I continue to work at it.
Why Listening Isn't Passive
Consider this: we tend to think that listening is the passive part of the conversation, but it isn't.
Here's why: we hear what we listen for or to, which then begets what comes out of our mouth next, which then influences what the other person says in return, and on and on it goes.
This is the dance of conversation. And the quality of our listening determines the quality of that dance — which is why it’s essential to effective communication, trust-building, and team performance.
Perhaps you too have had one of those people in your life who really listened to you: a parent, a friend, a leader. You can recall how that made you feel and what it made possible for you.
If so, you understand how powerful really listening to somebody else is.
The Aspiration
I aspire to be that kind of listener—the one that people walk away from a conversation thinking, "He really heard me. He got me. He values me."
If you're like me, you probably have a lot of work to do. But it is work that is worth doing.
If we do it, it will transform our relationships, our results, and our experience — and ultimately strengthen any culture transformation we’re trying to lead.
Your Turn
Would love to hear your thoughts on this! I promise I will listen generously.
What's your experience with generous listening? Who was that person in your life who really heard you? And how might you become that person for someone else?
Eduardo Lan is an organization transformation consultant specializing in leadership development, safety culture, and Human and Organizational Performance (HOP). He works with leaders to build cultures where people feel heard, valued, and inspired to bring their best selves to work.
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Fundamental of the Week #2: LISTEN GENEROUSLY
Give others your full attention, be present and engaged, and set aside your internal conversation as much as possible. Let go of your need to agree, disagree, or judge. Be empathetic, and listen “for” the needs of others. Use your curiosity to get all the facts, separating facts from interpretations.
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