Direct Doesn't Mean Rude
Photo by Theo Decker
This week’s Momentum fundamental may be one of the most difficult for all of us, requiring considerable practice before doing it effectively: “Speak straight, respectfully”.
Speaking straight first requires that we listen well before speaking and, if necessary, to ask for clarification before moving an issue forward. The biggest challenge here, especially in a high- stakes or stressful conversation, is to hold off forming an interpretation or opinion until you have gotten all the information you can. The first thought that comes to mind is usually a reaction, which may not be effective in most business situations. Running that reaction through your brain, even rapidly, adds experience and knowledge which can greatly improve your response.
When you do speak, doing so directly does not mean:
Delivering a “feedback sandwich” (yes, there is another term for this…), sliding your intended message, if it might be perceived as negative, between two more positive observations, e.g. “you did X very well, you did not do so well with Y, but you ended with a great Z”. This was discussed in a TED podcast (in minute 4) with Ray Dalio of Bridgewater Associates. He noted that not only does this come off as insincere, but it is also ineffective, as the recipient is more likely to remember the praise than your message.
Demeaning others, whether it’s their work, their opinion or anything else. Speaking respectfully requires that you address an issue objectively, without an intention to undermine an individual or group.
Over-explaining: most business situations do not require a detailed explanation. If you believe more information is needed, think in terms of bullets, not paragraphs.
Speaking directly does mean:
Being as clear as possible.
Airing current and potential issues, roadblocks and conflicts.
Acknowledging progress and positive contributions to reinforce them.
Requesting exactly what it is you are trying to achieve; expecting others to intuit your intention just doesn’t work.
Losing any enduring misconception that to be direct is to be rude.
Owning the responsibility of delivering your intended message. Asking the message recipient to repeat their understanding of the conversation and/or the next steps allows you to correct or fill in as needed to ensure your message was received.
This type of direct objective communication is not always intuitive, so it requires conscious practice.
In his book Straight Talk: Turning Communication Upside Down for Strategic Results at Work, Eric Douglas notes that “when we think of straight talk, we imagine a world in which everyone takes responsibility for clear, honest, and open communication.”
~ Tracey
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Fundamental of the Week #2: LISTEN GENEROUSLY
Give others your full attention, be present and engaged, and set aside your internal conversation as much as possible. Let go of your need to agree, disagree, or judge. Be empathetic, and listen “for” the needs of others. Use your curiosity to get all the facts, separating facts from interpretations.
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